Memory of my Sexual Trauma

I heard laughter and adult conversations in the living room, I had no idea who had come over to visit and knew better than to insert myself into adult conversations. Then my father called me in the room and said “come and greet your uncle, he just arrived from Dominican Republic.” So I went in with my usual happy go lucky self… and he gave me this sly smile. With this sly smile he impregnated me with guilt as my body remembered what he had done to me. At the time I did not remember the details of my molestation or what it even meant. My body tensed up and I looked down at the floor in shame. But no one seemed to notice, my father said “what are you waiting for, aren’t you ganna say hello to your uncle?” My dad spoke to me in Spanish and I knew that when he said “ Saludalo” (greet him), he meant I had to open up my arms hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek and say “Bendision Tio.” Bendision Tio is a term of respect and endearment; its exact translation is “Blessings, Uncle” and this is something that us Dominicans traditionally say for greetings and farewells. At that very moment I felt naked and exposed to everyone in the room, so I walked away at the first opportunity with hopes to get rid of this knot in my stomach and the filth that took over my body.

I was 9 years old at this time and for the past 4 years I had forgotten what had happened to me. That night I struggled to fall asleep and when I eventually did I began to have flashbacks. I was in the bathroom at my grandmother’s house with him, there he was with that smile again and the look of desire. Picture… Picture..Picture… I woke up out of my sleep and I was relieved to be alone in my bed but my heart was racing yet tingling with desire. I laid there confused but mostly ashamed. I asked myself how could I think such provocative thoughts and what was this tingling feeling I felt between my legs. I tried to make sense of it and in my egoic mind I just knew that it was my fault, that I had attracted this and that I was guilty.

From that day forward I just knew that everyone could see me, guilty of doing unthinkable acts and even worse with a family member. I was completely out of control as I allowed my thoughts to possess me and everyday when I got dressed, I wore my guilt like it was never going out of style.